3 posts tagged “happiness”
We live in a world that is external in appearance and attitude. Who are you really? Do we even know? Sometimes the best way to found out who we exactly are is when we are knocked down. Barely even on your knees knocked down so hard your face burns and drips of blood, tears start to flood your eyes, and who is there to pick you up? Not God, not your best friend, not even your mom, OK, truthfully they might actually be there visibly telling you everything you want to hear. They might even brush the dirt off, but they don’t heal you. Only you can heal yourself. Life is a learning progress, constant learning. Even I, as I write, continue to learn. I’m not saying that I have all the knowledge and you have to believe the words you are reading but I am saying I’ve been there and I sold that damn t-shirt. I have been slammed on the ground so many times so of which was of my own doing, but the last time was three nasty mean girls. They pinned me to the brick wall with railroad picks, pounding them into my shoulders, hands, neck, back, thighs, and feet. I looked like a big ‘x’ on this wall of hate they built for me. To this day I don’t understand why they where so hurtful to me. When I think of the event that took place it brings but tears to my eyes of how cruel humans can be. This is how the story actually went:
We, as in my unit, were on a mission sent out by headquaters to do some massive training before we head out to Iraq. We sleep in tents that would reach a high of 120 degrees fairenhiet. We ate MRE’s as well as meals to go. We sweat as we showered. We spooned our weapons as we fell asleep at night. We tried to become an unbreakable team of finance soldiers. We were forced to be here. We had nightly meetings to try to bring our problems to light and find the simpliest solutions to fix the compliants. On this paticular nightly meeting, we were all on edge almost hating each breathe the others took. One of our guys suggested that in order to bring union to our ranks we should have a movie night or a cook out. It wasn’t a bad thought plan, but I had to be the difficult one and bat heads with this sweating man that reeked inexpesive cologne. I stated that these get togethers should not be mandator so that thoughs that want to be there will be there in good intentions and not forced to pretend to have fun. Or forced to communicate when they don’t want to. I personally hate being forced into doing anything at all. Don’t force sex on me, don’t force religion on me, don’t force your love on me, don’t force parties on me, and don’t force negative powers on me. My intentions were good, but mind you it was hot outside and our spirits were low from a long day of working and no play. I was then bombarded with crushing tortureous words that flew into my ears and into my heart. Crumbling my heart into a million pieces. No one stood with me, no one helped me, they just keep pounding me into the ground untill they could see my eyes. Only my eyes and when the tears started to flow they continued to crush me, determined to break my free spirit into a chained spirit of zombie girls that look all alike and that talk alike as well. This torture only stopped after my leader came in and saw the river of tears off of my cheeks. I had soaked my shirt into puddles of sorrow. He told every one to stop and that he would think about these comments. We were then dismissed. You would think that the torture would just stop there. That I could go and cry in a bunker with the bees buzzing around me and the ants crawling all over me. I needed time to think. I needed to soak it in and filter the negative powers out.
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i've decided to write about my experiences on my last deployment... why? maybe someday someone will read this and want to publish it... if not... ok... someone will relate... someone has had the same thing happen... they know the tears and laughter all to well... i just need to let it all go... the sorrow...the happiness..
candy
in old news:
When it comes to friends with benefits I want to be so much more to you then just a sex toy. I want to be used for the purpose of love and not lust. I want to have my heart melt when you touch me. It is a feeling that I have lost 3 and a half years ago, a feeling that seems to be suspended in space. I want to hand you my heart on a silver platter so that you can lock it in a glass box. Simply I want you to love me, to want to love me, to yearn to love me, yet instead I’ll give you a blow job. I’ll ride you till the morning end and think of what we could be or should be. I am pushing my feelings to the side and then to the back of my mind so that I can be just this toy, this free prostitute. The path that I am on won’t allow for this to grow into anything more then what it is and what it will die as. I am for now alone in happiness and not sorrow. It’s a kind of happy alone time that I live in. Today I will be free; I will be me.
in new news:
Four years has been a long time since I felt this warm tingle in my heart, it beats faster when you are around and when you pop into my mind. You are the place I want to be. When you are seen in public I have this urge to hump you that’s where the lust comes in. When lust is fine to play around with us, and love continues to grow in a secret garden next to my heart. Unknowingly I am growing fond of you, not just your smile but the whole thing called you. This fondness if allowed will continue to grow and sprout into pure happiness of delight. I thought I knew happiness until I met you. Started a conversation, small talk to be exact, which lead to an email then the great night of karaoke, in turn the finishing act is still to be determined. Right now I just want to be in this moment as the minutes turn to hours and the hours turn to days. I want to float in this happy fairy dust of glitter and glimmer to be with you in this dance of desire. Today I will find you in me and I will be happy. the old picture taken by my great friend Luis. p.s. those are my fairy wings! candy
i am a human soul filled with so many different emotions... i can't show that i'm feeling hurt here... that this guy used me for his on purposefilled lies and laughter.... i don't mind being laughed at as long as i am present... don't do it behind my back and then keep it a secret for 3 months... i am angry... i can't go up to this male and hit them square in the left eye... thats the plan and then kick him in the nuts and go 'sin city' on his ass by ripping off his man hood... he lies he cheats he was married he laughed he could care less... for this i want to cause him a lot of pain and sorrow... yet i'm not allowed to show any emotion... i should be the perfect soldier the one that is super highspeed at everthing... i'm not allowed to cry... wow... i'm not allowed to go to combat stress... double wow...
ok i'm done...
i need to rank a little
on another note...
i'm super happy that i found this piece of the puzzle...
yes...
candy
