2 posts tagged “tears”
I wish it was the end of this part of my life, yet it had just begun. We the females returned to our tent. I was crying and talking to myself more than again. Random things flew from my mouth mostly stating that I’m not selfish and I’m not normal like most people here. Before I could find a common ground with myself I was pinned by three females. One of the girls was my friend she was beautiful, funny, and young. The other girl was a fake blonde, controlling, and always right no matter if she was at wrong. The last girl was a loud mouth, rumor spreader, and over powering all conversations she had. So I had a friend betray me that one hurt the worst her name will be Angel in this story. You will see why once we reach the end. The fake blonde will be named Bright Eyes. The last girl with the big mouth will be named Zeroed. These names might seem too nice, but remember I’m just a big hippie at heart who will love you no matter how much you try to kill my soul. In the end I will have a smile across my dead pale face when I am buried.
I have to stop for now; the pain is still alive and breathing inside me. No worries I will be back to finish the story.
Angel, Bright Eyes, and Zeroed over heard my mumbles and started to pound me with their cruel words. I tried to speak; I tried to tell them how I felt. They couldn’t be stopped. I can’t remember everything that poured out of their mouths but it felt like I was in an uncontrollable tornado spinning around and around. I didn’t speak. I couldn’t find my tongue to form the words that I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell them ‘stop’. Stop was my only word I wanted to say heck yell but I couldn’t even get that out of my mouth. Tears started to swell and once again I was sweating and crying. I didn’t want to eat dinner. I didn’t want to shower. I didn’t want to be there. So I left. I left them tearing me apart with their words. I was roaming around for an empty tent in the midst of fellow soldiers that would look at me crying and walk around me. Not once did they ask, “Are you ok?” Why, you might ask they saw me crying about a week earlier, so to them I was the crier. Little did they know that I was actually forced to be blind for the first four days of this mission. I couldn’t see. What do you do when your blind and can’t see the tents in front of you or the food you are about to eat? Smile? That’s a different part of my journey which I will touch on. I did finally find a tent that was steaming hot and cried. I sat on the cot talking in a rambling motion to the spiders that only seemed to comfort me as the climbed up my legs. I didn’t even care that spiders were on me that’s how upset I was. My eyelids were swollen and I couldn’t breathe. I started to sing to myself making up the words as I went which calmed my heart down to a steady beat and my tears started to dry. Then one of the female leaders found me in the tent and she ran to me with her arms open. She grasped me and hugged me as a mother would to her lost daughter. We will call her Sunshine for I loved her the most with her ability to comfort the pains of this deployment. Sunshine talked to me in such a soothing voice that allowed me to say my views and my thoughts. She hugged me again and said, “Sparks, look you are beautiful, free as a bird, and you shouldn’t change for anyone… just be yourself… remember this will only become your past you make the future…” Oh Sunshine, thank you for being there for me when I was upset. She was the only one that stood up for me to get my glasses back on my face to see again. I received my glasses in time to relearn about land navigation. Reading a map, looking at a compass, walking would have been a change without my glasses and no one would even want me on their team. I went back to the tent picked up my things and left to brush my teeth. I feel asleep with tears flowing down my cheeks and onto my pillow. For about three days I cried, because even though the words had disappeared into the air, it still pierced my heart every time I had to see these people. I started the day with a fake smile and I ended it in the salty tears of the night.
We live in a world that is external in appearance and attitude. Who are you really? Do we even know? Sometimes the best way to found out who we exactly are is when we are knocked down. Barely even on your knees knocked down so hard your face burns and drips of blood, tears start to flood your eyes, and who is there to pick you up? Not God, not your best friend, not even your mom, OK, truthfully they might actually be there visibly telling you everything you want to hear. They might even brush the dirt off, but they don’t heal you. Only you can heal yourself. Life is a learning progress, constant learning. Even I, as I write, continue to learn. I’m not saying that I have all the knowledge and you have to believe the words you are reading but I am saying I’ve been there and I sold that damn t-shirt. I have been slammed on the ground so many times so of which was of my own doing, but the last time was three nasty mean girls. They pinned me to the brick wall with railroad picks, pounding them into my shoulders, hands, neck, back, thighs, and feet. I looked like a big ‘x’ on this wall of hate they built for me. To this day I don’t understand why they where so hurtful to me. When I think of the event that took place it brings but tears to my eyes of how cruel humans can be. This is how the story actually went:
We, as in my unit, were on a mission sent out by headquaters to do some massive training before we head out to Iraq. We sleep in tents that would reach a high of 120 degrees fairenhiet. We ate MRE’s as well as meals to go. We sweat as we showered. We spooned our weapons as we fell asleep at night. We tried to become an unbreakable team of finance soldiers. We were forced to be here. We had nightly meetings to try to bring our problems to light and find the simpliest solutions to fix the compliants. On this paticular nightly meeting, we were all on edge almost hating each breathe the others took. One of our guys suggested that in order to bring union to our ranks we should have a movie night or a cook out. It wasn’t a bad thought plan, but I had to be the difficult one and bat heads with this sweating man that reeked inexpesive cologne. I stated that these get togethers should not be mandator so that thoughs that want to be there will be there in good intentions and not forced to pretend to have fun. Or forced to communicate when they don’t want to. I personally hate being forced into doing anything at all. Don’t force sex on me, don’t force religion on me, don’t force your love on me, don’t force parties on me, and don’t force negative powers on me. My intentions were good, but mind you it was hot outside and our spirits were low from a long day of working and no play. I was then bombarded with crushing tortureous words that flew into my ears and into my heart. Crumbling my heart into a million pieces. No one stood with me, no one helped me, they just keep pounding me into the ground untill they could see my eyes. Only my eyes and when the tears started to flow they continued to crush me, determined to break my free spirit into a chained spirit of zombie girls that look all alike and that talk alike as well. This torture only stopped after my leader came in and saw the river of tears off of my cheeks. I had soaked my shirt into puddles of sorrow. He told every one to stop and that he would think about these comments. We were then dismissed. You would think that the torture would just stop there. That I could go and cry in a bunker with the bees buzzing around me and the ants crawling all over me. I needed time to think. I needed to soak it in and filter the negative powers out.
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i've decided to write about my experiences on my last deployment... why? maybe someday someone will read this and want to publish it... if not... ok... someone will relate... someone has had the same thing happen... they know the tears and laughter all to well... i just need to let it all go... the sorrow...the happiness..
candy
